Have you ever yearned to do something more than anything in the world and been scared shitless of it at the same time?
I couldn't sleep, so I decided to do something that I quite literally haven't done in about 4 months. I sat down with my sketchbook and started drawing again.
This may not seem like a big deal, but my sketchbooks have been a permanent occupent in my bag for almost 15 years, I loved drawing as a kid, it was a way I expressed myself that was all mine. Each stroke of the pen on the paper is so permanent and defining, and a single line can change the whole picture. It can show so many emotions. I look at all my old sketches and I can still remember each and every one of them being drawn, I can look at them and tell you what kind of mood I was in that day and how long it lasted, even if the specific events have long since faded from my memory.
So I sat in the room with horrible insomnia and I saw an old picture that I had done and I was terrified. I hadn't drawn in so long, what if I had reverted back to the childish scribbles? What if I really had no talent in the first place and it was just friends and relatives making me feel better when they commented on my work.
I looked at the finished product though and felt so damn great, it's that pleasant feeling that you get after an afternoon of having accomplished something GOOD. Finished reading a book or writing a paper, or working out at the gym and the lingering soreness of the muscles that feels so damn GOOD after a hard workout.
My hands are all cramped up and I have smudges of ink and lead all over my hands and face and I can honestly say that I haven't felt this good in a very long time.
If I ever stop sketching for such a long period of time again, for my own mental health lock me in a room with paper and a pen and don't let me out till I've done something.