.:Tuesday, March 8:.

..:revoked:..

..:Listening to: House bitch out his staff
..:Current Mood: Amused

Okay, to start off the days weirdness, this is a belated present for Nikki and KT, because only they can truly apreciate the sheer stupidity of this: The Penis List. Enjoy my dears. And, for the rest of you people out in blogland: Random amusement brought to you by the brilliantly twisted mind of John Cleese:

To the citizens of the United States of America, in the light of your
failure to elect a competent President of the USA and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today.


Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical
duties over all states, commonwealths, and other territories. Except
Utah, which she does not fancy.


Your new Prime Minister (The Right Honourable Tony Blair, MP for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that there is a world
outside your borders) will appoint a Minister for America without the
need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.


A questionnaire will be circulated next year to determine whether
any of you noticed. To aid in the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

1. You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary.
Then look up "aluminium" Check the pronunciation guide. You will be
amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. The letter
'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour';
skipping the letter 'U' is nothing more than laziness on your part.
Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the
letters. You will end your love affair with the letter 'Z' (pronounced
'zed' not 'zee') and the suffix "ize" will be replaced by the suffix
"ise." You will learn that the suffix 'burgh' is pronounced 'burra'
e.g. Edinburgh. You are welcome to re-spell Pittsburgh as 'Pittsberg'
if you can't cope with correct pronunciation. Generally, you should
raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. Look up "vocabulary." Using
the same thirty-seven words interspersed with filler noises such as
"uhh," "like," and "you know" is an unacceptable and inefficient form
of communication. Look up "interspersed." There will be no more
'bleeps' in the Jerry Springer show. If you're not old enough to cope
with bad language then you shouldn't have chat shows. When you learn
to develop your vocabulary, then you won't have to use bad language as
often.

2. There is no such thing as "US English." We will let Microsoft
know on your behalf. The Microsoft spell-checker will be adjusted to
take account of the reinstated letter 'u' and the elimination of
"-ize."


3. You should learn to distinguish the English and Australian
accents. It really isn't that hard. English accents are not limited
to cockney,upper-class twit, or Mancunian (Daphne in Frasier). You
will also have to learn how to understand regional accents -- Scottish
dramas such as "Taggart" will no longer be broadcast with subtitles.
While we're talking about regions, you must learn that there is no such
place as Devonshire in England. The name of the county is "Devon." If
you persist in calling it Devonshire, all American States will become
shires" (e.g., Texasshire, Floridashire, and Louisianashire).


4. Hollywood will be required to cast English actors to play English
characters. Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English
actors as the good guys. British sit-coms such as "Men Behaving Badly"
or "Red Dwarf" will not be re-cast and watered down for a wishy-washy
American audience who can't cope with the humour of occasional
political incorrectness.


5. You should relearn your original national anthem, "God Save The
Queen," but only after fully carrying out task 1. We would not want
you to get confused and give up halfway through.


6. You should stop playing American "football." There is only one
kind of football. What you refer to as American "football" is not a
very good game. The 2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else plays "American"
football. You will no longer be allowed to play it, and should instead
play proper football. Initially, it would be best if you played with
the girls. It is a difficult game. Those of you brave enough will, in
time, be allowed to play rugby(which is similar to American "football",
but does not involve stopping for a rest every twenty seconds or
wearing full kevlar body armour like nancies). We are hoping to get
together at least a US Rugby sevens side by 2005. You should stop playing
baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series'
for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2.15% of
you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable. Instead of baseball, you will be allowed to play a
girls' game called "rounders," which is baseball without fancy team
strip, oversized gloves, collector cards, or hotdogs.


7. You will no longer be allowed to own or carry guns. You will no
longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous in public
than a vegetable peeler. Because we don't believe you are sensible
enough to handle potentially dangerous items, you will require a permit
if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.


8. July 4th is no longer a public holiday. November 2nd will be a
new national holiday, but only in England. It will be called
"Indecisive Day."


9. All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap, and it is for
your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what
we mean. All road intersections will be replaced with roundabouts. You
will start driving on the left with immediate effect. At the same time,
you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of
conversion tables. Roundabouts and metrication will help you understand
the British sense of humour.



10. You will learn to make real chips. Those things you call 'French
fries' are not real chips. Fries aren't even French, they are Belgian
though 97.85% of you (including the guy who discovered fries while in
Europe) are not aware of a country called Belgium. Those things you
insist on calling potato chips are properly called "crisps." Real chips
are thick cut and fried in animal fat. The traditional accompaniment to
chips is beer which should be served warm and flat. Waitresses will be
trained to be more aggressive with customers.


11. As a sign of penance 5 grams of sea salt per cup will be added
to all tea made within the Commonwealth of Massachusetts, this quantity
to be doubled for tea made within the city of Boston itself.



12. The cold tasteless stuff you insist on calling "beer" is not
actually beer at all, it is lager. From November 1st only proper British
Bitter will be referred to as "beer," and European brews of known and
accepted provenance will be referred to as "Lager." The substances formerly
known as "American Beer" will henceforth be referred to as "Near-Frozen
Gnat's Urine," with the exception of the product of the American Budweiser
company whose product will be referred to as "Weak Near-Frozen Gnat's Urine."
This will allow true Budweiser (as manufactured for the last 1000 years in the
Czech Republic) to be sold without risk of confusion.


13. From November 10th the UK will harmonise its prices of petrol
(or "gasoline," as you will be permitted to keep calling it until April
1st 2005) with those of the former USA. You will adopt UK petrol prices
(roughly $6/US gallon -- get used to it).


14. You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns,
lawyers or therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and
therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.
Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough
to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist,
then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

15. Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us crazy.

16. Tax collectors from Her Majesty's Government will be with you
shortly to ensure the acquisition of all revenues due (backdated to 1776).


Thank you for your co-operation.

John Cleese you brilliant bastard....

Oh, and for anyone who's interested, The Reply:

To the citizens of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and
Northern Ireland,

We welcome your concern about our electoral process. It must be
exciting for you to see a real Republic in action, even if from
a distance. As always we're amused by your quaint belief that
you're actually a world power. The sun never sets on the British
Empire! Right-o chum!

However, we regretfully have to decline your offer for intervention.
On the other hand, it would be amusing to see you try to enforce
your new policy (for the 96.3% of you that seem to have forgotten
that you have little to no real power). After much deliberation,
we have decided to continue our tradition as the longest running
democratic republic. It seems that switching to a monarchy is in
fact considered a "backwards step" by the majority of the world.

To help you rise from your current anachronistic status, we have
compiled a series of helpful suggestions that we hope you adopt:

1. Realize that language is an organic structure, and that you aren't
always correct in your pronunciation or spelling. Let's use your
"aluminium" example. Sir Humphrey Davy(an Englishman) invented the
name "aluminum" (note spelling) for the metal. However, in common usage
the name evolved into "aluminium" to match the naming convention of
other elements. In 1925 the United States decided to switch back to the
original spelling and pronunciation of the word, at which point we
dominated the aluminum industry. We'd also like to point out that the
process of actually producing aluminum was developed by an American and
a Frenchman (not an Englishman). However, we'd like to thank you for the
Oxford English Dictionary. It's an interesting collection, considering
that over 10,000 of the words in the original edition were submitted by
a crazy American civil-war veteran called Dr. William Charles Minor.

2. Learn to distinguish the American and Canadian accents, and then we'll
talk about the English and Australian accent issue.

3. Review your basic arithmetic.(Hint 100 - 98.85 = 1.15 and 100 -
97.85 = 2.15)

4. If you want English actors as good guys, then make your own movies.
Don't rely on us for your modern popular culture. We liked "Lock, Stock,
and Two Smoking Barrels", "Train spotting", and "The Full Monty". We've
also heard good things about this "Billy Elliot". But one good movie a
year doesn't exactly make a cultural powerhouse. However, you're doing
pretty well with music, so keep up the good work on that front.

5. It's inefficient to have a national anthem that changes its title
whenever your monarch dies. Let's not forget that your national anthem
has an extremely boring tune. We suggest switching to that Rule Britannia
ditty, it's toe tapping. Or maybe Elton John could adapt "Candle In The
Wind" again for you guys.

6. Improve at your national sport. Football? Soccer? This just in: United
States gets fourth place in men's soccer at the 2000 Summer Olympics.
United Kingdom? Not even close. By the way, impressive showing at Euro
2000. You almost managed to get through the tournament without having
your fans start an international incident.

7. Learn how to cook. England has some top notch candy. Salt 'n' Vinegar
chips are quite yummy. However, there's a reason why the best food in your
country is Indian or Chinese. Your contributions to the culinary arts are
soggy beans, warm beer, and spotted dick. Perhaps when you finally realize
the French aren't the spawn of Satan they'll teach you how to cook.

8. You're doing a terrible job at understanding cars. The obvious error is
that you drive on the wrong side of the road. A second problem is pricing,
it's cheaper to buy a car in Belgium and ship it to England than to buy a
car in England. On the other hand, we like Jaguars and Aston Martins. That's
why we bought the companies.

9. We'll tell you who killed JFK when you apologize for "Teletubbies".


*sighs* I love the brit humor...

Meru at 3:12 PM